woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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