Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
