he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
