I CAN MOONWALK!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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