I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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