Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
