The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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