my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
