You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
a search helicopter?!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
