all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
