Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
