you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
