every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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