1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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