anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
