You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
