i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
