I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
