So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wish there were birth control emojis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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