if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
