I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
