i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
