wat bout pragnant strippers??
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
