She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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