Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
