Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
