i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
