Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
