Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
