If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
