so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
