I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
