how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
