shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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