Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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