I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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