I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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