how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
