I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize