We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
