At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
