Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
