this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
