Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize