mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
