He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
