i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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