I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
