I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
