you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
