I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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