Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
