so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
