have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
