Redeem this text for a blowjob
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
third nipple confirmed
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
