If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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