i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
