i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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