last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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