oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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