He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
