sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm having to shit out rocks
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
