Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
