dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
