i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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