Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Who died my cat blue again?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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