I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
