How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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