my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Randomize
