I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
