I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
