just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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